


Need

by AreYouReady



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Consensual Infidelity, Drug Use, Endverse!Castiel, Everyone Despises Themselves, F/M, Habitual Infidelity, M/M, Nothing gets better, One-Sided Relationship, Promiscuity, Self-Hatred, So much angst, You Have My Permission to Hate Me, porn with a plot, suicide attempt (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 06:54:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AreYouReady/pseuds/AreYouReady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas can never stay away for long, and Dean can never say no.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need

Cas stood outside Dean’s door, and hated himself. Hated why he was coming here, hated the fact he was coming _here_ at all. The house was white, with a perfectly manicured lawn, a completely soulless, loveless garden, and a brick front walk. That damn sexy classic car was tucked away invisibly in a garage so suburban that it made Cas want to cry. He had cried over it, actually, a few times, but not now. He raised his hand, and knocked three times.

-

In highschool, the Novak family was a team of stereotypes. There was Michael, perfect and popular, playing every sport and always getting the girl. Next was Gabriel, prankster extraordinaire and bane of all authority figures. Third, Anna, the rebel girl, who drank hard, partied harder, and kept condoms in her backpack. Last came Castiel, the antisocial nerd, all no-friends and perfect grades.

Of course, none of them were really so simple. Michael, for all his bad boy persona, didn’t know how to break a rule to save his life. Gabriel’s antics seemed pointless, but if you looked a little closer, they were karmic, retribution for some perceived evil to his fellow man. For all her wildness, Anna was one of the most caring people you could ever meet, and intelligent, to boot. And Castiel, well, he had a sketchbook full of nooses and a wild streak of his own.

-

Cas waited outside the door for what seemed like forever, but eventually it opened, and there stood _Dean._ Emotions flitted across Dean’s face faster than Cas could catch them. Anger, resentment, relief, desire, reproach, resignation, self-hatred, and remorse were all in the mix, though Cas would be hard pressed to name the order in which they occurred. Dean grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and dragged him inside. Without letting go, Dean slammed the door and shoved Cas against it, pressing their lips together.

-

The name of Castiel’s college roommate was Balthazar Milton. Balthazar was as laid back as Castiel was uptight, but somehow, they hit it off. Balthazar was funny and magnetic, and Castiel couldn’t really help but like him. Didn’t hurt that he was fairly attractive, with sexy accent and a roguish grin. Balthazar took him out for his first beer. And then a second, and a third. That night was a blur after about 9 pm, but Balthazar _did_ help Castiel deal with his first ever hangover in the morning. And that was how Castiel was introduced to the wonders of booze.

-

“Lisa is away for the weekend, and Ben is staying at a friend’s house for the night, _you bastard,_ ” Dean gasped, the anger in his voice contrasting sharply with the conspiratorial hint of his words, and the neediness of his kiss.

“I know,” said Cas, writhing under Dean’s touch and despising himself for it.

-

It took them until just after Christmas break to start fucking. Of course, Balthazar didn’t really want a relationship, because it was too exclusive and too much commitment, and Castiel didn’t want one either, because it would take up too much time, but friends with benefits was good for both of them. And that was how Castiel was introduced to the wonders of casual sex.

-

Cas shoved Dean off, and caught him by the hand, dragging him to the couch. He pushed Dean down onto it and straddled him. Dean grabbed his ass, and kneaded greedily.

“I hate you so much, you know that?” Dean said, bitter enough that if Cas wasn’t used to it, it would give him pause. “You’re just a fucking junkie, and I’m your fix. I hate you.”

“I know,” Cas said, and he did. Though no matter how true it was, Cas couldn’t reciprocate the sentiment.

-

Balthazar insisted on bringing Castiel every time he went out clubbing. He’d drink the fancy drinks that Balthazar told him to drink, and eventually started choosing and buying them himself. He’d dance with the pretty girls (and boys) that Balthazar set pointed him towards, and occasionally he’d end up in the club bathroom, pounding some chick whose last name he didn’t know against the wall, or sucking the dick of a dude with a pretty face. He’d also pop whatever pills Balthazar gave him to pop. He didn’t remember much of those nights, but they were the times when he had the most fun. And that was how Castiel was introduced to the wonders of drugs.

-

Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s, and ground their groins together. He was rewarded with Dean’s groan, felt more than heard, and a chance to slip his tongue into Dean’s mouth. Dean’s fingers slipped into Cas’ back pockets, and his thumbs pressed Cas’ hipbones. Dean was hard, Cas could feel it, and Cas was well on the way himself. He ground down again, and this time Dean rose to meet him, participating equally with him in their habit.

-

But Balthazar wasn’t the one to introduce Castiel to the worst of his habits. Before Balthazar had seduced him to take a walk on the wild side, Castiel had met someone else, in one of his classes: another brilliant Freshmen by the name of Sam Winchester. They bonded over classwork, and, even as Castiel got sucked in by the lure of the bad boy lifestyle, they became friends. And that’s how he met Sam’s brother. Castiel saw the beautiful body first; eyes like emerald, hair like spun gold, lips like cherries, and all that bullshit that aspiring poets spew when they see something with _FUCKABLE_ written on it in big red letters, but then, _then_ Castiel met the boy beneath the face, and he fell for him harder than he ever had for anyone.

-

“Fuck, _Cas,_ ” Dean moaned, like the heat of the moment made him forget everything bad about they were doing. It probably did, Cas forgot every time. Cas went for Dean’s fly, undoing the button, and Dean gasped. Cas pulled down the straining zipper, and partially freed the head of Dean’s cock, though it was still swaddle in soft cotton boxers. Cas slid himself off his lap, kneeling on the floor before him, and pulled Dean’s cock out of his boxers. Dean lets out a little hiss, and Cas looks up at his face. He lets his eyes slid over every beautiful inch, as though this were the first time. He’s seen Dean like this hundreds, maybe even thousands of times, but it never gets old. Each time is still as beautiful.

-

It took them a week of knowing each other to fall into bed together, and another week to start going steady. Castiel had never been happier in his life, and it seemed the same for Dean. The two of them were hopelessly in love with each other. They managed to stay together for five years before things fell apart.

-

Cas knew how to slide the condom on with his mouth, a useful skill for any man with the sexual orientation and tendency towards promiscuity that Cas displayed. It was flavored, (cherry, this time), and left a cough-syrup-like aftertaste in Cas’ mouth, not unlike the taste of self-loathing. Once it was encased in safe latex, Cas licked a stripe up the shaft of Dean’s dick, and Dean groaned. Cas took the head into his mouth, then slowly moved his way down the shaft until he could feel the tip pressing at the back of his throat. At this point, Dean was a writhing mess. Cas knew he ought to stop soon, or nothing was going any further today.

-

Of course, when a relationship like Dean and Castiel’s falls apart, the fallout spreads for miles. There were many reasons they couldn’t stay together. Once Castiel graduated college, he was without academia to ground him, and he fell head first into his addictions. His first overdose was eight months before the breakup. However, Dean had nothing to be self-righteous about: his whiskey might’ve been a lot more legal than Castiel’s pills, but the end result was the same. There were other things as well. Castiel had another friend, whom he’d met through Balthazar. Her name was Meg Masters, and she had a fairly obvious schoolgirl crush on him. Dean was always jealous of her, and he was proven right one morning when Castiel awoke from a night of blackout drinking with Meg in his bed. He confessed to Dean immediately, and Dean accepted his mistake, but things were never the same. Despite all that, the thing that really broke them apart was the secrecy. Castiel was openly bisexual, had been ever since he discovered that facet of himself. Dean was deeply in the closet, and intended to stay that way. The only people who could know about them were their closest friends. They fought about this more and more often, until, when Dean told him he was considering going out with a girl so he could tell his parents he had a girlfriend, Castiel walked out.

-

When Cas pulled off, Dean made one, short, non-verbal noise of protest, but seemed to understand. Cas stood, and Dean levered himself up from his position on the couch, cock still bobbing free, encased in the condom, dripping wet with precome and sweat.

“We should go upstairs,” Cas said, his voice a rasp, both from arousal and from deepthroating Dean’s fairly large dick.

“Yeah. Let’s go upstairs, and fuck on my and Lisa’s marriage bed, you disgusting bastard.” Dean replied, as he always did, but he followed Cas anyway, just as he always did.

-

After the breakup, neither of them faired very well. Castiel was more dramatic, embarking on a downward spiral that involved two accidental overdoses, three suicide attempts, and crawling into every available bed in a twenty mile radius. But Dean’s reaction, though more subtle, was awful in its own way. When he was younger, he had gone through a phase of trying to convince himself he was straight by sleeping with every girl he could get his dick in. He started researching those girls, until he found one he had knocked up at nineteen, Lisa Braeden. Then he tracked her down and married her. Throughout their whole relationship, he kept up a farce that he truly loved her and only her. In actuality, he barely even liked her, though he did care for his son, Ben.

-

Cas started stripping his shirt off before they even entered the bedroom. He tossed it carelessly on the floor, before turning to help Dean with his. The external button-down (some things would never change) was gone, so Cas slid his fingers beneath the hem of Dean’s tee-shirt, eliciting a shiver from the man. The tee-shirt landed near Cas’ own, and both of their jeans soon followed. Cas stripped  his boxer shorts. Then rolled a condom onto his own dick, (it was Dean who needed to be protected anyway, Cas was the one better acquainted with various genitalia and needles). By the time he was done, Dean was already sitting on the bed, naked as the day he was born, spreading his legs invitingly.

-

Meg was the one who forced Castiel to clean up his act after Dean. She came in one morning, and flushed all his pills and vodka down the toilet, then threw him in the shower, all despite his splutters of protest. She became a sort of watchdog for him, making sure he didn’t take anything, or do anything stupid. He might not have made it out of that time alive, if not for Meg. And even after he was marginally more okay, he came to Meg with his troubles and secrets. She even knew about the affair he had been having with Dean since the latter got married. Eventually, Meg and Castiel got together. He did love her, (though not the way he loved Dean, never the way he ~~loved~~ needed Dean). The affair still continued though, and she knew about it.

-

Cas grabbed the lube off the bedside table, and liberally coated two fingers. He knelt before Dean on the bed, and took a moment to enjoy the view, before Dean growled,

“Get on with it you fucker!”

He pressed one finger into Dean, slowly, gently. It had been more than a month since they’d done this, and Dean wasn’t loose at all. He worked the finger around, intentionally not hitting the prostate yet, not wanting Dean, already near the edge as it was, to come too early. By the time he added the second finger, Dean was making a consistent, needy whining sound. By the third, he was writhing. Once he was fairly certain Dean could take it, he lined himself up, and pushed in. Dean stiffened, and gasped, though it seemed to be from pleasure, not pain. The friction was nearly overwhelming for Cas, whose cock had been neglected until this point, and he shook with tiny tremors.

“Dean,” he cried, as he buried himself to the hilt inside the other man. He stayed like that for a moment, until it became too much. Then, he set a quick pace, thrusting fast and, if Dean’s reactions were anything to go by, hitting Dean’s prostate on every stroke. Soon, he felt Dean tense, spilling himself inside the condom already on his dick. Cas admired the beautiful bliss on Dean’s face, while still working to get there himself. He felt the heat building in his belly, and the white rising behind his eyelids, and just as he stiffened, he heard Dean’s voice:

“You ruin everything you love.”

Cas threw his head back, and came with a wordless cry.

-

It was true. Dean, already filled with guilt, daddy issues, and self-loathing was destroyed by the breakup with Castiel, his existence left hollow (though Castiel still loved him utterly, and he knew it). Meg, suffering from her own inferiority complex towards her sharp-tongued and sexy elder sister Ruby and her child-prodigy younger sister Lillith, was in love with a man who would always put another first, (though he did love her, and in his opinion her inferiority complex was unfounded: she was incredibly cute, in her own way, and she had a certain frankness and wry humor he would take over looks any time). And there were others, as well. Sam was living his perfect, lawyerly life, with a perfect, lawyerly wife, a house of their own, and a bun in the oven, when Castiel had introduced him to Ruby. She was a real homewrecker, and they had an affair that left Sam with a set of divorce papers and a debt to the mob. Castiel’s sister Anna had gotten herself knocked up at one of Balthazar’s parties that Castiel had invited her to, and had to drop out of graduate school.

Everything was his fault.

-

They lay together in the afterglow, half dozing.

“I love you, Dean,” Cas said, speaking the truth, though he didn’t know why.

“Yeah,” Dean said, tone making it clear that he didn’t reciprocate.

“I need you.”

“I need you, too.”

 


End file.
